[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
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Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
For cardio I live beyond my means.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.