me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
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If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will