You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
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*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Owl Sanctuary
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.