Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
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Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately