all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
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I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
i wish we could shoplift online
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not