Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
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Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
*serious situation*
My brain:
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day