when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
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[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.