baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
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the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed