Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
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I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.