PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
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Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
How long do you have to wait between naps?
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo