Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
You Might Also Like
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Annual reminder that Valentine鈥檚 Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I鈥檓 def not buying this pillow.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
i don鈥檛 let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i鈥檓 hungover
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Don鈥檛 you just love arts and crafts?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
whatcha thinkin bout
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 馃槱
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I don鈥檛 wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u