a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
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Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.