Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
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*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”