“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
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*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Watermelon Boss!
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
So the ex texted me
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.