“Morning, how was your weekend?”
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I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Anyone really
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED