You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
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My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.