I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
bad news gang
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
There are no pants in heaven.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”