4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
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I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”