Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
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HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years