[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
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I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I know this now 😂
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.