her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
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Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ