They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
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“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.