Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
You Might Also Like
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey