What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
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My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen