It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
You Might Also Like
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.