*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
You Might Also Like
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.