I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
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*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.