Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
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I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something