Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
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Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I don’t hate children, just yours.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8