[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
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Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
early stone age tool
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
never ask a starfish for directions
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”