Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
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How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.