A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
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How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
early stone age tool
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.