Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
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A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.