Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
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Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
At least he brought enough for everyone
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought