Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
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I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
bias laundering edition
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.