I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
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puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.