wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
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A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo