Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
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Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
True
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.