[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
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People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.