We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
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One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.