Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
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*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
How to wake up a Beagle
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.