Legend 🤣🤣
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My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
For cardio I live beyond my means.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies