This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
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According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I think this should do it.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges