The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
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Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?