How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
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There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
he chose this
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Golf would be better with landmines.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
🤣🤣
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.