[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
You Might Also Like
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious