PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
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I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.