It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
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There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)