Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
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“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.