me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
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Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.